Monday, March 19, 2012

How did this happen?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you just say, "How in the world did my life end up like this?"  I had such a moment today driving home from work.  I was driving along recapping my day in my mind and all of the sudden I just started thinking about my life and how or why it is the way it is.

When I was young and obviously delusional, I thought that I was invincible and that I was going to live this fabulous life and conquer the world.  Man was I wrong!  I went from being at the top of my high school class and thinking that I was going to breeze through college and become a veterinarian.  That I was going to live in a cool house by myself, drive a sports car, never get married and definitely never ever ever ever have kids.

The first thing that went wrong was I struggled in college.  It wasn't nearly as easy as high school and of course the end result was I completed one year and suffering from extreme burn out and humiliation, I crawled back home to Mom and Dad.  I ended up taking a job at a local vet clinic that was just supposed to be for the summer but turned into a temporary career.  Were my parents pleased about this development?  Absolutely not!  But hey, I had great intentions, I would just take a short break and then find something that might be more of a fit for me and get back in school.

What actually happened was I met this man that I thought hung the moon and I eloped and married him.  Then I followed him to Texas, some 1200 miles away from any family or friends, and sat at home wondering what in the world I was going to do with myself all day while he went to work and made friends.  My solution, you guessed it, a baby.  That would just solve everything in my world right?  Very, very wrong.  The first issue was that I suffered from some infertility issues and after 2 surgeries, fertility pills and a little help in the fertilization department I was on my way to being a Mom.  Then the trouble really started, or maybe it had already started and I was just in denial, but I had to go on bed rest due to preterm labor.  I think that was when my husband first started to resent the idea of me and a baby.  I honestly think that he was jealous because he was no longer getting 100 % of my attention and the tables were turned to where he had some responsibility to me whereas before I took care of him. 

After our daughter was born he became more and more distant and started having more and more things to do after work.  And then it really hit the proverbial fan.  He comes in and makes the announcement that he can't live like this anymore and he isn't happy.  I actually hyperventilated and threw up.  I of course asked the obvious question, was there another woman.  He denied it but I could tell that he was lying by the look on his face.

 Here I was, 1200 miles from home, turning 30, no job and a 2 year old.  I was wondering how in the world I had gotten myself into this mess.  I struggled for a year in Texas trying to make ends meet and survive but after it became obvious that his daughter was always going to come second to whatever else he had going on, so I packed up and came home to Kentucky.  And in case you were wondering, he moved the woman that he wasn't dating into our marital home before we had even formally filed the divorce papers.
Also it was all my fault that he dated her.  The reasoning was that I never had time for him since I had our daughter, and he had known this woman longer than me.  Now if I remember correctly, he wholeheartedly participated in the conception of our child.

Now fast forward 3 years and I'll be damned if I didn't get myself in even a worse situation.  This time I met a man that I let convince me that he was something he was not.  After I married him and had become pregnant he became controlling and mean to me and my daughter.  I spent almost 5 years with him before I got the courage to take the kids, move out and file for divorce.  I took a part time job as a teller at a bank that turned into a full time job which eventually turned into a management position.

What is my life like now?  I am 45 years old, working over 40 hours a week, struggling to pay the bills that are up to my eyeballs and wondering how did my life get so far off of track.  Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be twice divorced and alone without a college degree.  I often wonder if I have disappointed my parents half as much as I have disappointed myself.  I also refuse to give up hope that one day I will look back on all of this and realize how strong I actually was. I did somehow manage to have 2 great kids and I also have hope that I won't live my life alone and that there is still a decent man left in this world for me.  I also hope that my children learn from my mistakes and make better decisions than I did.  I guess at the end of the day maybe there is hope and still a light at the end of that tunnel.

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