Time to Make the Donuts.....again

Did you ever feel like you do the same thing everyday?  I think that I am stuck in a rut.  A great big muddy rut in which there is no escape.  I do the same thing everyday with little to no variation. I get up at the same time every morning, I shower, I start prodding kids out of their respective beds, I make my coffee, grab lunch boxes, load us all in the car, close the garage door, get to the stop sign at the end of the street, wonder if I closed the garage door, ask the kids if they saw me close said garage door, drive to two different schools and drop off kids, get on the freeway, drive for 25 minutes, go into my office, log on to my computer, eat my breakfast at my desk and then I have a fun filled day at work.  Nine hours later I shut down my computer, pack my work bag up, get back on the freeway, drive 25 minutes, pull in the garage, walk into the house to cries of we are starving and what are we having for dinner.  I fix dinner while making sure homework is done, I put dinner on the table and listen to moans and groans and complaints about what I fixed for dinner, I clean the kitchen, beat kids into the showers and then into bed. AND then I fix lunchboxes, the coffee pot, and collapse into my bed only to have it start all over again 7 hours later.

How did this become my life?  I would love to do something different for just one week.  Something crazy and out of the ordinary for me.  I would love a week without a schedule, without having to cook, clean, take care of kids and a house.  But I also have to wonder what would I do?  Would I be clueless as to how to function without this routine?  Would I discover that I loved living the life of Riley and stage a revolt fighting the return to that old life? Or would I scurry back to it with my tail tucked between my legs longing to feel that security again?

I would like to think that I would enjoy myself for that glorious week of no responsibility and schedules.  And then when it was time to return to my hell, I would like to imagine that I would embrace the routine with open rested arms and a smile on my face.  But somehow I doubt that would happen.  And to quote Dori the Fish from Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." and one day my week will come.

How did this happen?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you just say, "How in the world did my life end up like this?"  I had such a moment today driving home from work.  I was driving along recapping my day in my mind and all of the sudden I just started thinking about my life and how or why it is the way it is.

When I was young and obviously delusional, I thought that I was invincible and that I was going to live this fabulous life and conquer the world.  Man was I wrong!  I went from being at the top of my high school class and thinking that I was going to breeze through college and become a veterinarian.  That I was going to live in a cool house by myself, drive a sports car, never get married and definitely never ever ever ever have kids.

The first thing that went wrong was I struggled in college.  It wasn't nearly as easy as high school and of course the end result was I completed one year and suffering from extreme burn out and humiliation, I crawled back home to Mom and Dad.  I ended up taking a job at a local vet clinic that was just supposed to be for the summer but turned into a temporary career.  Were my parents pleased about this development?  Absolutely not!  But hey, I had great intentions, I would just take a short break and then find something that might be more of a fit for me and get back in school.

What actually happened was I met this man that I thought hung the moon and I eloped and married him.  Then I followed him to Texas, some 1200 miles away from any family or friends, and sat at home wondering what in the world I was going to do with myself all day while he went to work and made friends.  My solution, you guessed it, a baby.  That would just solve everything in my world right?  Very, very wrong.  The first issue was that I suffered from some infertility issues and after 2 surgeries, fertility pills and a little help in the fertilization department I was on my way to being a Mom.  Then the trouble really started, or maybe it had already started and I was just in denial, but I had to go on bed rest due to preterm labor.  I think that was when my husband first started to resent the idea of me and a baby.  I honestly think that he was jealous because he was no longer getting 100 % of my attention and the tables were turned to where he had some responsibility to me whereas before I took care of him. 

After our daughter was born he became more and more distant and started having more and more things to do after work.  And then it really hit the proverbial fan.  He comes in and makes the announcement that he can't live like this anymore and he isn't happy.  I actually hyperventilated and threw up.  I of course asked the obvious question, was there another woman.  He denied it but I could tell that he was lying by the look on his face.

 Here I was, 1200 miles from home, turning 30, no job and a 2 year old.  I was wondering how in the world I had gotten myself into this mess.  I struggled for a year in Texas trying to make ends meet and survive but after it became obvious that his daughter was always going to come second to whatever else he had going on, so I packed up and came home to Kentucky.  And in case you were wondering, he moved the woman that he wasn't dating into our marital home before we had even formally filed the divorce papers.
Also it was all my fault that he dated her.  The reasoning was that I never had time for him since I had our daughter, and he had known this woman longer than me.  Now if I remember correctly, he wholeheartedly participated in the conception of our child.

Now fast forward 3 years and I'll be damned if I didn't get myself in even a worse situation.  This time I met a man that I let convince me that he was something he was not.  After I married him and had become pregnant he became controlling and mean to me and my daughter.  I spent almost 5 years with him before I got the courage to take the kids, move out and file for divorce.  I took a part time job as a teller at a bank that turned into a full time job which eventually turned into a management position.

What is my life like now?  I am 45 years old, working over 40 hours a week, struggling to pay the bills that are up to my eyeballs and wondering how did my life get so far off of track.  Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be twice divorced and alone without a college degree.  I often wonder if I have disappointed my parents half as much as I have disappointed myself.  I also refuse to give up hope that one day I will look back on all of this and realize how strong I actually was. I did somehow manage to have 2 great kids and I also have hope that I won't live my life alone and that there is still a decent man left in this world for me.  I also hope that my children learn from my mistakes and make better decisions than I did.  I guess at the end of the day maybe there is hope and still a light at the end of that tunnel.

Stuff People Do When They Think Nobody Is Watching

I am driving to work this morning and as I am sitting in traffic on the freeway I happen to look over and see a man with his finger shoved up his nose to the second knuckle.  This man was mining for some serious gold and that got me to wondering what other things do people do when they think nobody is looking.  Needless to say, the longer I thought about all of the things that I have witnessed the more I laughed. And then this thought popped in my head. " I wonder what things people do that I haven't witnessed."

I posed this question to my staff at work and we have compiled a list of things that we have either witnessed or knew people have witnessed.  I am going to throw this list out there and would love to hear other stories from people that have either witnessed or know people that have witnessed these things.  I want to see how many items we can come up with.

Here is my personal list: Mining for gold
                                     Men fixing their junk
                                     Men and women digging their underwear out of their butts
                                     Digging in their ears and then looking at what they have harvested
                                     Squeezing pimples at a red light
                                     Scratching boobs
                                     Spitting lougies out of car windows
                                     Picking food out of their teeth
                                     Singing or talking to yourself
                                     Sniffing your own arm pits
                                     Belching
                                     And my personal favorite is the sneaky fart.  You know what I am talking about too! You round the corner to walk down an aisle at the grocery or WalMart or you get on an elevator and it just smacks you in the face and makes you gag.  Do people seriously think that nobody will notice that they stink bombed the area???

Now you have my list and I want to see yours.  I showed you mine, now show me yours! =)

Is it just me or does everybody have bad dating karma?

It seems like no matter how many dates I go out on or how many different men I meet, the end result is always the same, EPIC FAIL, as my teenage daughter would say.  Which begs me to ask, "Is it me or the men?"

I have tried various methods of meeting potential dates and it seems that although the pools are different the basic personality types are always the same.  There is the one that lies about being married, the one that has kids but fights continuously with his ex and has way more drama in his life than I want to deal with, and there is the narcissist.  Now the latter seems to be the one that I seem to either be the most attracted to or I just seem to attract. 

I am not blaming anyone but myself for my own dating decisions but seriously when will I learn that outgoing, funny and charming goes hand in hand with classic narcissist. They come in all shapes and sizes and I am pretty sure that I have encountered most of them.  I know that there are many of you out there that know exactly what I mean.  And not just women either because I have met a few women in my lifetime that would qualify as a narcissist.  Heck if I am totally honest with myself I would have to admit that in my 20's I was probably one of the worst.  And maybe that is why karma seems to be taking a big bite out of my butt right now. 

So from this day forward I intend to be more vigilant at monitoring my narcissit radar.  That means that the first time I friend you on facebook and notice that 90 % of your friends are women and that you post 20 times a day and 30 women "like" your comment, I am going to unfriend you and run for the door.  If we go out and it takes you longer to fix your hair that it does for me to fix mine, I am going to run for the door. If you continuously talk about how people find you charming and funny, I am going to run for the door. If you are constantly telling me how handsome women find you or how white your teeth are or how good you look in your jeans, or how wonderful you are and you thrive on the attention of others, I am going to run for the door.  BUT if you ask me about my day or tell me that I am pretty, or ask me about my kids, or ask me what you can do for me, then I am going to settle right down on the couch with you and tell you how wonderful and handsome you are without you asking for it. 

If there is one bit of advice I could give any man considering dating a single working mom, it would be that we spend all day, everyday having demands put on us and sometimes it is just nice to have somebody in your life that doesn't constantly demand you stroke their ego.  Quiet confidence is the ticket boys!

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Where does the fun ever end one might ask or wonder.  This weekend was a prime example of how I went from feeling great to being at the end of my rope.

Last weekend the part of the state where I grew up was devastated by tornadoes.  This path of destruction goes on for 90 miles and that in itself is hard to fathom. But couple that with the fact that this is the eastern part of the state that already struggles financially and you have a major disaster. 

So because this is the part of the country that I grew up in and because I still have roots there, I decided to gather and collect donations of goods to deliver to a surviving local church.  The drive was more successful than I could have ever imagined and we ended up with two truckloads thanks to my friends and co workers.

We reached our destination and the state of the area was unbearable and my heart went out to these people that have lost homes and businesses.  We delivered our goods and headed back home with heavy hearts but feeling good that we could somehow contribute to the situation.

So a week of hard work, six hours in a truck, and an hour or so of unloading we get back to town.  And that is when it all went down hill for me.

First I return the borrowed truck to a friend and after some thank you's and good bye's we ended up in a major fight that by the way, had nothing to do with the truck or trip but personal issues.  This puts me in a foul, why are men such jerks, kind of mood. 

Then I rush to pick my son up from a birthday party and by this time it is 8:00 PM and my daughter and I are starving.  We decided that we would hit a local Jason's Deli and graze the salad bar and relax.  All good right??

Well we complete our R and R and meal, walk out of the door to our car and my son gasps and yells, "What happened to your car Mom?"  I look and much to my dismay I discover that some, unknown to this day, person has taken out the side of my car in the parking lot and ran off leaving no note with contact info, or an I'm sorry, or even a kiss my ass.  Now because my daughter totalled her car out as well as taking out another car, I feel that I can't report this to my auto insurance.

I know you are thinking seriously.....how can all of this happen to one person on one weekend?  But this isn't all, both of my kids get sick and I have to take them both to doctors and I have to miss a day of work to take care of all of this.

Finally after all of this happening in a 24 hour window, I did the only sane thing that I could do.  I sat in my car alone in my garage and cried my eyes out.

Can I just say that life as a single working parent is not roses.  Even on a good day........

In tomorrow's blog we will address narcissism and what it looks like to the outside world in case you either don't know or think it is one of your endearing qualities.