Friday, August 17, 2012

Just Keep Smiling

How is it that no matter what happens in our lives people expect you to suck it up and just smile?  I feel like the world is crashing down around me and I can't seem to impress on those around me that I am starting to lose it.

Since May I have developed a seizure issue that as of this date has yet to be diagnosed, lost my position at work because of the mysterious seizures, been fighting with my disability insurance almost daily because they can't seem to gather the required paperwork from the doctor to pay me, watched my bills pile up, lost my ability to drive, and learned that my boyfriend is being transferred out to town for work.

Now I am not sure whose Wheaties I peed in to deserve all of this but I am sorry and take it all back.  I feel like I am losing my mind and my desire to deal any longer with this stuff.  I mean how is it that no matter what I do I can't seem to get ahead? 

Family and friends all try and act like they understand but unless you have been through something similar and had the proverbial rug pulled out from under you, there is no way.  I understand that they are all trying to make me feel better and don't get me wrong, I have a great family and network of friends.  It is just that I feel like something is missing that would help me get over this hump.

Maybe what I need is a bottle of Jack Daniels and a 2 liter of diet coke!  Or maybe it is a diagnosis so I at least feel like I am not crazy and that there is a game plan to improve my health? And how about the ability to drive or work and enough money to pay the bills and provide for my kids?  How about a man to love me and offer his support and a hug every now and then so that I don't feel so alone? Oh heck, while I am wishing upon a star maybe I should wish for a winning lottery ticket! 

I know that it seems as if I am whining but I am just really, really tired of all of this.  It can only go up hilll from here...right?

Saturday, August 11, 2012

How Do You Keep the Faith?

I feel like I am losing faith in everything.  I have been struggling with my health and living in pain since Mid May and still no answers from the Doctors.  I have a boyfriend that I really like that is moving two and a half hours away.  And he and I apparently want two different things.

I have heard talk all of my life about God and I really want to believe but where is He now?  I have been struggling for years and if there really is a God then why is this all happening?  I pray, I go to church, I talk to friends and family, and yet if He is out there I see no evidence.

How are we as Christians or the faithful expected to remain faithful when there is never a reprieve from all of the adversity?  How do we keep believing that there is something bigger out there and that we just need to surrender to it and accept God's plan when nothing ever seems to work out in your favor?  How many restarts in life does each person get?  What if this is as good as it gets?

I now understand why there are so many people out in this world that have been beat up to the point where they think that the concept of a Deity is just lore.  I too am starting to wonder if it is a myth or if there is something to it.  Maybe I should just give up and start living my life without any thought to anybody but myself.  How much worse can my life be?  I already suffer daily with pain and seizures, have already been forced to surrender my position at work, and I am once again alone.  And all of these things were accomplished with daily pray, being kind to others, going to church, giving to God and living a life that was faithful and good.

I apologize to anybody out there that I may offend with this post and that is not my intention but I am just exhausted and needed to vent.  If anybody out there has an argument as to why I should keep believing then I will consider it but to be honest I am about done.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Dating Issues Again!

I am so tired of the dating difficulties.  I can't decide if it is just me or if it is just the dating scene for all of us in our forties.

I met this really great guy and we have been inseparable since meeting five months ago. We are together five or six days a week and get along great.  So what is the problem you might be wondering.  He is moving two and a half hours away due to his job and will be leaving in just a few more weeks.  When he first told me a month ago, I obviously got upset but then I accepted it and started putting on this tough exterior where I told myself that it was fine and we would just be friends. Now that it is getting closer to the move I am realizing that I am really not happy about this.  I keep telling myself that whatever is supposed to happen will happen because that is what you are supposed to tell yourself in these situations.  But why does it still bother me?

Plus there are a few other issues that I keep trying to rationalize.  I think that he and I want different things in life.  He wants to just date forever and never get married again and I don't want to live with somebody unless we are married.  The issue with that plan is that he is very active in church and he doesn't believe in sex before marriage.  I don't have an issue with that except I don't want to spend my life sexless and alone every night.  Personally, besides thinking that sex is just plain fun, I think that it brings me closer to the one I am dating.  How can a relationship survive a situation like this?  Should I have to make compromises?  Should he?  Should we or could we even meet in the middle?

I guess that I am going to have to discuss these things with him but from where I am sitting right now, this relationship is doomed.  The sad part is that I can't figure out if it is my fault or his.  Can a man really expect a woman to be happy dating forever and never having sex?  I honestly think that he believes that.  Sounds crazy huh?

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

11th Hour by James Patterson a Book Review

In this story we find the Women's Murder Club faced with two different cases.  In the first case there is a vigilante running the streets and murdering drug dealers and the second case involves the discovery of two heads on the back patio of a much loved actor.

The two cases consume Boxer and Conklin as they race against the clock to solve the mysteries.  There are the usual twists and turns as well as a surprise or two in this book.  I found it to be both fast paced as well as entertaining.  My only complaint would be that one minute you are engrossed in trying to figure it out and the next we know who it is and Boxer and Conklin are running them down.  To me it just seemed a little like Patterson got tired of writing and just decided to wrap it up.

Overall I enjoyed the story and would recommend it to the loyal Patterson followers.  Just wished there was a few more twists and turns.